Memories

Decided to restore my old posts in my old blog here for reminiscing purposes lol. So...no judging la eh haha. I was just 15 in 2009, all wempitz. Okbye.

Withdrawal

Pernah tak korang rasa useless nak mampus sampai rasa mcm taknak jumpa orang coz meeting people makes you anxious.

Pernah tak?

Aku masih ada lagi rasa that fresh grads dilemma. Yg kau taktau nak buat apa lepas study, sama ada sambung study lagi ataupun kerja. That dilemma. Orang lain dilema kejap je terus boleh decide then go on with that decision. Tapi aku, setahun dilema.

Aku ingatkan aku boleh buat. I mean, pursuing this masters thingy. Tapi sekarang aku baru perasan aku sebenarnya bodoh hmm. Level aku takat degree je. I can't go any further. Dah la bodoh, ada masalah dalaman pulak. Malas nak cerita that part. I just really can't do this.

I've asked for opinions from some of my friends. Aku tanya diorang, "kau rasa aku boleh buat tak?". Most of them were very encouraging. Aku sumpah terharu. Kept on pushing me, telling me that I'm a "genius" (celah mana genius pun taktau la, paling hebat pun setakat dapat pelajar terbaik batch darjah dua je haha).

And seeing my other group of friends, ugh. I know we have our own timelines but I can't help but to think and compare my life to theirs. Idk if they have their own problems but if they do, they are good at hiding them that's for sure. I've been avoiding them lately, aku mesti akan rasa nervous af and you know, rasa mcm loser. My life is shit and the last thing I want is to feel more shitty than ever.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them. Honest. It's great to see that they've settled down, got married and have stable jobs and things like that. Masalahnya aku je.

I've cried so many times, pening kepala la, susah nak tidur la, terjaga tengah malam for no reason la. I hate this.

Aku dah pernah luah kat orang yg aku ingatkan aku boleh depend la. But I didn't get anything back. It's frustrating that people don't understand but I don't blame anyone. Aku pun susah nak faham diri sendiri kadang tu. Mcm sekarang la.

So aku pilih untuk simpan sendiri je. When no one is watching, aku breakdown la. Menangis. Tp sekarang aku rasa nak menulis. Nak lepaskan rasa yg terbuku kat dada ni. Hopefully lega la sikit nanti.

Tolong la kalau ada yg baca ni, tolong doakan aku. Aku taktau la korang faham ke tak entry aku yg panjang ni tp tolong la doakan aku tenang, doakan aku boleh buat keputusan yg betul. Thank you.