Dah masuk 2020 dah eh. Nope, not gonna bring that "kereta terbang" joke out (it's funny jugak la).
Well, aku masih lagi di tempat kerja yang sama, masih membuat kerja yang sama, masih masih. Takde perubahan. Cuma aku dah upgrade jadi Trainee la. Officially started last May and the contract's till this May la. Setahun je. Lepas tu tah la apa nak jadi, jadi la. Malas dah nak fikir. Dah takde semangat nak teruskan hidup.
No, aku bukan suicidal eh. Aku cuma takde motivasi nak bergerak. Nak majukan diri. Takde. Takde push factor yang boleh mendorong aku ke arah kejayaan.
So I'm just literally receiving anything that life throws at me. Like literally. Haritu ada la jugak cari kerja lain sana sini tapi takde replies, ada la sekali dipanggil interview tapi tak lepas. Good experience anyways. So dah malas nak cari kerja lagi dah. Stay je la sampai May, ada rezeki dapat sambung, aku sambung la. Kalau takde, aku nak balik Jelebu aku kerja kat KFC tu je malas nak fikir banyak.
I still cry sometimes at night. Idk if it's called an anxiety attack ke apa tp kalau kena tu mesti sakit dada, susah nak bernafas. You know, when you're really sad and your chest like kembang semacam je. Ha like that la. Ada sekali tu that one night macam teruk gila aku menangis sampai Hasnur terjaga. Kuat ye lol sorry Senor.
Tapi Senor seorang roommate yang baik, dia peluk aku lepastu. Aww :3
Oh masa tu pun aku call Faqih jugak. I know he was already asleep tapi aku just nak someone to like release the tense. And true enough, dia memang dah tidur time tu. Tapi member terkejut beruk la sebab angkat call je terus dengar orang tersedu-sedu. Faqih pun baik, dia tenangkan aku. Suruh aku tarik nafas, istighfar. Truly blessed to have these two.
Btw I'm turning 26 this year. Apa yang aku dah achieve?
Takde. Takde satu pun. Welp, more reasons to cry at night.
I don't have a stable job, gaji kecik, I don't have a house of my own, my savings ciput gila nak buat hi-tea wedding pun tak lepas.
Which also means, that we have no plans on getting married this year.
We've been together for 6 freaking years now and we still fight a lot. And it worries both of us coz kalau dah kahwin nanti takkan la sikit-sikit "Ok jom kita break" or "We need a timeout" or things like that. Ye la what kind of marriage is that. Also, kitorang taktau macam mana dah kahwin nanti. Would I still be working here? Or aku kena ikut dia balik Melaka and kerja kat sana ke? (kena kerja jugak coz he doesn't want me to be a housewife ugh). Kalau aku kerja sini and dia kerja Melaka so kitorang jumpa only on weekends ke? So many unanswered questions kan.
Sometimes I do feel sorry for Faqih coz I can be quite temperamental (I blame myself a lot for this). He once told me that he was tired of the whole thing and he wanted to tap out. But he didn't. He's a good man. I would always pray the best for him. I've said this before and I'll say this again. He truly deserves all the goodness that the world has to offer. Really. He's one of the reasons why I still keep sane. Grateful to have met such beautiful soul.
Anyways, if 2020 is going to be my year, it's going to be my year la. If not, tahun depan ada lagi. Tu pun kalau still hidup lagi la.