Tetibe Dah Setahun

Dah masuk 2020 dah eh. Nope, not gonna bring that "kereta terbang" joke out (it's funny jugak la).

Well, aku masih lagi di tempat kerja yang sama, masih membuat kerja yang sama, masih masih. Takde perubahan. Cuma aku dah upgrade jadi Trainee la. Officially started last May and the contract's till this May la. Setahun je. Lepas tu tah la apa nak jadi, jadi la. Malas dah nak fikir. Dah takde semangat nak teruskan hidup.

No, aku bukan suicidal eh. Aku cuma takde motivasi nak bergerak. Nak majukan diri. Takde. Takde push factor yang boleh mendorong aku ke arah kejayaan.

So I'm just literally receiving anything that life throws at me. Like literally. Haritu ada la jugak cari kerja lain sana sini tapi takde replies, ada la sekali dipanggil interview tapi tak lepas. Good experience anyways. So dah malas nak cari kerja lagi dah. Stay je la sampai May, ada rezeki dapat sambung, aku sambung la. Kalau takde, aku nak balik Jelebu aku kerja kat KFC tu je malas nak fikir banyak.

I still cry sometimes at night. Idk if it's called an anxiety attack ke apa tp kalau kena tu mesti sakit dada, susah nak bernafas. You know, when you're really sad and your chest like kembang semacam je. Ha like that la. Ada sekali tu that one night macam teruk gila aku menangis sampai Hasnur terjaga. Kuat ye lol sorry Senor.

Tapi Senor seorang roommate yang baik, dia peluk aku lepastu. Aww :3

Oh masa tu pun aku call Faqih jugak. I know he was already asleep tapi aku just nak someone to like release the tense. And true enough, dia memang dah tidur time tu. Tapi member terkejut beruk la sebab angkat call je terus dengar orang tersedu-sedu. Faqih pun baik, dia tenangkan aku. Suruh aku tarik nafas, istighfar. Truly blessed to have these two.

Btw I'm turning 26 this year. Apa yang aku dah achieve?

Takde. Takde satu pun. Welp, more reasons to cry at night.

I don't have a stable job, gaji kecik, I don't have a house of my own, my savings ciput gila nak buat hi-tea wedding pun tak lepas.

Which also means, that we have no plans on getting married this year.

We've been together for 6 freaking years now and we still fight a lot. And it worries both of us coz kalau dah kahwin nanti takkan la sikit-sikit "Ok jom kita break" or "We need a timeout" or things like that. Ye la what kind of marriage is that. Also, kitorang taktau macam mana dah kahwin nanti. Would I still be working here? Or aku kena ikut dia balik Melaka and kerja kat sana ke? (kena kerja jugak coz he doesn't want me to be a housewife ugh). Kalau aku kerja sini and dia kerja Melaka so kitorang jumpa only on weekends ke? So many unanswered questions kan.

Sometimes I do feel sorry for Faqih coz I can be quite temperamental (I blame myself a lot for this). He once told me that he was tired of the whole thing and he wanted to tap out. But he didn't. He's a good man. I would always pray the best for him. I've said this before and I'll say this again. He truly deserves all the goodness that the world has to offer. Really. He's one of the reasons why I still keep sane. Grateful to have met such beautiful soul.

Anyways, if 2020 is going to be my year, it's going to be my year la. If not, tahun depan ada lagi. Tu pun kalau still hidup lagi la.

Daftar Akaun KWSP

So...aku dah kerja. Jadi kuli je. Since akhir bulan 1 haritu. Nasib baik ada member so takde la teruk sangat kerja. Ok la, aku pun setakat ni takde la koyak pasal kerja. Happy la kot :/

Anyways last Monday colleague aku ckp HR suruh bukak akaun KWSP. So aku tanya la makcik aku acano nak bukak akaun KWSP. Pastu dia kata sepatutnya majikan la yg bukakkan. Tp ada sorang lagi colleague aku ckp, senang je nak bukak. Pergi kat kiosk katanya. Aku mcm takleh imagine kiosk dia mcm mana.

New Year, New Me?

Since last year I was such a wreck, this year I decided that I wanted to keep a planner. Aku pun kira artsy la jugak, cuma aku tak tunjuk sangat. I like fancy stationery, especially colorful gel pens! And I have a bunch of em, and yes, lightly used je lol. So I figured ok la since I have a bunch of these pens, jom la kan buat planner. So aku pun rajin la google planner how-tos and stuff. 

But after reading the blogs and watching the videos, aku rasa mcm stationery aku tak cukup so I bought more hahahaha em :')

I've always thought to myself that I don't have that much friends. And it's kinda true, tho. My friends are numbered. But I like it that way. Just keeping my circle small. 

This month I've been keeping myself busy. Kemas rumah, cari kerja. Even went to an event despite all the anxiety. I just hope that everything will be much, much better than last year.

Memories

Decided to restore my old posts in my old blog here for reminiscing purposes lol. So...no judging la eh haha. I was just 15 in 2009, all wempitz. Okbye.

Withdrawal

Pernah tak korang rasa useless nak mampus sampai rasa mcm taknak jumpa orang coz meeting people makes you anxious.

Pernah tak?

Aku masih ada lagi rasa that fresh grads dilemma. Yg kau taktau nak buat apa lepas study, sama ada sambung study lagi ataupun kerja. That dilemma. Orang lain dilema kejap je terus boleh decide then go on with that decision. Tapi aku, setahun dilema.

Aku ingatkan aku boleh buat. I mean, pursuing this masters thingy. Tapi sekarang aku baru perasan aku sebenarnya bodoh hmm. Level aku takat degree je. I can't go any further. Dah la bodoh, ada masalah dalaman pulak. Malas nak cerita that part. I just really can't do this.

I've asked for opinions from some of my friends. Aku tanya diorang, "kau rasa aku boleh buat tak?". Most of them were very encouraging. Aku sumpah terharu. Kept on pushing me, telling me that I'm a "genius" (celah mana genius pun taktau la, paling hebat pun setakat dapat pelajar terbaik batch darjah dua je haha).

And seeing my other group of friends, ugh. I know we have our own timelines but I can't help but to think and compare my life to theirs. Idk if they have their own problems but if they do, they are good at hiding them that's for sure. I've been avoiding them lately, aku mesti akan rasa nervous af and you know, rasa mcm loser. My life is shit and the last thing I want is to feel more shitty than ever.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them. Honest. It's great to see that they've settled down, got married and have stable jobs and things like that. Masalahnya aku je.

I've cried so many times, pening kepala la, susah nak tidur la, terjaga tengah malam for no reason la. I hate this.

Aku dah pernah luah kat orang yg aku ingatkan aku boleh depend la. But I didn't get anything back. It's frustrating that people don't understand but I don't blame anyone. Aku pun susah nak faham diri sendiri kadang tu. Mcm sekarang la.

So aku pilih untuk simpan sendiri je. When no one is watching, aku breakdown la. Menangis. Tp sekarang aku rasa nak menulis. Nak lepaskan rasa yg terbuku kat dada ni. Hopefully lega la sikit nanti.

Tolong la kalau ada yg baca ni, tolong doakan aku. Aku taktau la korang faham ke tak entry aku yg panjang ni tp tolong la doakan aku tenang, doakan aku boleh buat keputusan yg betul. Thank you.