HAPPY NEW YEAR. lame.
I'll be 19 in less than a month. time flies freaking fast. really fast. dulu fikir sekolah. tension pun tahap kanak2 ribena je. sekarang dah masuk UNIVERSITAS. tension naik tahap remaja2 coca-cola? haihsss.
I wouldn't say my 2012 was gila gila awesome but I learnt a lot of stuff. I think. I learnt that the world does not and never will go your way. dulu memang ada orang cakap pasal benda tu. Ibu pun ada jugak bebel pasal "kita tak selalu dapat apa yang kita nak..blablabla" tapi aku tak sedar betapa benarnya bebelan Ibu tu.
lately aku cepat marah. cepat terasa. and I think I know why.
it's because of the the-world-not-going-my-way thing. there was a series of events happened to me on 2012 that did not go according to my desires. mostly that happened after I got my SPM results. I thought that by having good results everything is going to be fine for me. clearly I was wrong. it was definitely not fine for me at all.
mula2 sebab tak dapat any scholarships. dude, I got straight A's for SPM tapi tak dapat biasiswa. tak patut ke aku sedih? tapi aku fikir balik. result aku bukannya bagus sangat pun. A- je banyak. mungkin tu sebabnya aku tak dapat. dan masa interview pun aku tak buat betul2. senyap macam taik lalat masa discussion. memang tak la uncle/aunty MARA nak bagi duit free kat taik lalat macam aku.
pastu, aku tak dapat U yang aku nak. aku mintak UIA but instead I got USIM. tapi takpe laa. look at the brightside. dapat jugak course yang aku nak. dentistry.
1st day in USIM and they told us about the stupid limited seats. about only 35 students will be selected to go pursuing degree in dentistry after foundation. WHATTA F. I lost hope. gila apa aku nak kena compete dengan 70 students lain nak rebut tempat tu? aku seriously sangat2 tak yakin dengan diri aku. kat sekolah pun aku bukan la top student pun. biasa2 je. so how the neraka I nak rebut tempat dengan budak2 lain yang rata ratanya lebih pandai dari aku? aku cuba relax. nanti belajar pasal gigi je kan? aku pakai braces dan aku dah banyak kali pergi dentist. sampai dah naik hafal struktur gigi tengok poster kat waiting room tu. chill.
sekali amekauuuuu belajar biology, chemistry, arabic, english, quranic studies, PHYSICS AND ALSO MATHEMATICS.
lakalakalakassheit. memang aku suka phy ngan maths. suka gila nak mampus. memang nak mampus la kesukaan aku terhadap dua ketul subjek yang mudah mudah celaka itu. and that's when I knew it was the end of the road for me. I give up. I quit. I know quitting is for losers. but practically I am losing. so what's the big deal? dan hasilnya, result aku untuk sem 1 sangat sangat tidak lawa. sampai pengarah tamhidi panggil suruh datang menghadap beliau. well not really. just ada talk je. but still, teruk jugak tu.
I felt very awful and ashamed of myself. result aku sangat teramat teruk. I knew I could do better than that. I was really frustrated. those results, coming from me, it was just very so not me. but I did say about quitting so why am I so depressed about getting bad results? that's the thing. I DON'T KNOW.
and those are the reasons why I snap off at small matters. I am pissed off. I am angry to the world. aku rasa dunia ni sangat tak adil.
tapi bila fikir camtu, macam aku salahkan takdir pulak. macam aku tak suka apa yang Allah rancang untuk aku.
I really don't know what to do. I feel miserable all the time and I just want to cry for no reason. this has never happened to me before. dulu aku ada jugak la rasa nak berhenti buat semua ni. belajar la. but I really didn't mean that. I don't know why this time it's different.
I guess I just need to wait until sem 2 is finished. I would probably know what to do by then. hopefully.
guide me, YA ALLAH.
0 comments:
Post a Comment