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I'm a very awkward person. I don’t really know how exactly to socialize, especially around new people. Meeting new people scares me. I get all these weird thoughts you know like “orang ni tak suka aku ke” or “kenapa dia ni tengok aku semacam” padahal the person was being absolutely normal. I have always been like this since I was small. Nak pergi tadika je mesti muntah dulu sebab nervous sangat (yes people I puke when I get really nervous). Takut beb. Tadika cina, cikgu semua cina. The only malay I know there was my own sister, who was at that time, takde masalah nak bergaul dengan budak cina coz she can speak cina like orang cina la.

Masuk darjah 1, I got bullied. I was legit jongang so the other kids called me “gigi rabbit” coz my two front teeth were sticking out la basically. Teruk jugak la kena ejek. Had no friends. Malam je mesti aku nangis senyap2 sbb aku tension taknak pergi sekolah esoknya. Ada sorang anak cikgu ni memang setan gila la. Bekal aku dia balun padahal dia anak cikgu boleh je masuk kantin amik je la apa dia nak. Pastu siap ckp kat budak lain jangan kawan aku la apa. Tah kenapa sumpah takleh brain do. Tp time tu kecik kan. Mana faham. Yg aku tau, anak cikgu jangan buat main sebab…mak dia cikgu kot. Tu je sebab dia, tak perlu ada sebab lain. Darjah 1 je la yg teruk bagi aku. Lepas2 tu aku mcm ok la sikit sbb perform akademik, every year tak pernah miss naik pentas amik award. Tp still lagi la kena ejek tu sekali sekala.

Time form 1, sbb masuk sekolah asrama and nobody knew me, aku mcm ubah attitude. I had my guard up sbb aku taknak kena ejek kena pijak mcm dulu kat sekolah rendah. So jadinya aku nampak mcm someone yg susah orang nak approach. Dah kena label sombong. Padahal aku diam tak bercakap dgn orang lain tu sbb aku takut haha. Tp at least I didn’t get hurt from being called ‘sombong’. Tapi tu pun time form 2 ada senior ni panggil aku bugs bunny. I was in a debate competition and he was one of adjudicators. Masa dia bagi komen tu he said “you remind me of bugs bunny but in a good way”. I mean excuse me? Anyway perangai ni aku bawak sampai ke masuk u. I got compliments like “dulu aku ingat kau sombong” a lot lol. Member aku lelaki. Dia ckp budak lelaki yg lain takut nak ckp dgn aku sbb aku ada resting bitch face. Tp tbh, I was more scared of them. And other people. I’m even more scared of strangers. Well, you can say that looking kinda sombong is my own way of protecting myself kot. I didn’t want to get hurt so I thought the best way of not getting hurt is to look unapproachable. Nampak tak logic aku :/

Tp hakikatnya, aku masih lagi awkward nak bercakap dgn orang. I have friends, but not many. I prefer to keep my circle small. Aku ni reserved la orangnya. And very scared of people. That’s just the way I am. I know it’s not good, aku pun dah lama tak kena ejek. Last pun time form 2 tu la. Tp kesan kena ejek tu sampai sekarang aku takut dengan orang. Bullying ain’t cool guys. Tetibe.

But you still refuse to understand me even after I told you my story. Hmm.