Memories

Decided to restore my old posts in my old blog here for reminiscing purposes lol. So...no judging la eh haha. I was just 15 in 2009, all wempitz. Okbye.

Withdrawal

Pernah tak korang rasa useless nak mampus sampai rasa mcm taknak jumpa orang coz meeting people makes you anxious.

Pernah tak?

Aku masih ada lagi rasa that fresh grads dilemma. Yg kau taktau nak buat apa lepas study, sama ada sambung study lagi ataupun kerja. That dilemma. Orang lain dilema kejap je terus boleh decide then go on with that decision. Tapi aku, setahun dilema.

Aku ingatkan aku boleh buat. I mean, pursuing this masters thingy. Tapi sekarang aku baru perasan aku sebenarnya bodoh hmm. Level aku takat degree je. I can't go any further. Dah la bodoh, ada masalah dalaman pulak. Malas nak cerita that part. I just really can't do this.

I've asked for opinions from some of my friends. Aku tanya diorang, "kau rasa aku boleh buat tak?". Most of them were very encouraging. Aku sumpah terharu. Kept on pushing me, telling me that I'm a "genius" (celah mana genius pun taktau la, paling hebat pun setakat dapat pelajar terbaik batch darjah dua je haha).

And seeing my other group of friends, ugh. I know we have our own timelines but I can't help but to think and compare my life to theirs. Idk if they have their own problems but if they do, they are good at hiding them that's for sure. I've been avoiding them lately, aku mesti akan rasa nervous af and you know, rasa mcm loser. My life is shit and the last thing I want is to feel more shitty than ever.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them. Honest. It's great to see that they've settled down, got married and have stable jobs and things like that. Masalahnya aku je.

I've cried so many times, pening kepala la, susah nak tidur la, terjaga tengah malam for no reason la. I hate this.

Aku dah pernah luah kat orang yg aku ingatkan aku boleh depend la. But I didn't get anything back. It's frustrating that people don't understand but I don't blame anyone. Aku pun susah nak faham diri sendiri kadang tu. Mcm sekarang la.

So aku pilih untuk simpan sendiri je. When no one is watching, aku breakdown la. Menangis. Tp sekarang aku rasa nak menulis. Nak lepaskan rasa yg terbuku kat dada ni. Hopefully lega la sikit nanti.

Tolong la kalau ada yg baca ni, tolong doakan aku. Aku taktau la korang faham ke tak entry aku yg panjang ni tp tolong la doakan aku tenang, doakan aku boleh buat keputusan yg betul. Thank you.

(Review) Chanel Blue Serum

Honest thoughts about putting RM400 worth of stuff on my face.

Someone Like You

The song came out in 2011. I was 17 at that time, still in school, SPM was literally the only thing on my mind lol poyo.

I've heard this song a few times but I didn't listen to the lyrics that much. It was only one day, I was on my way back home from school for balik bermalam for the weekend (I was a boarding school student). I was in the car, my mum was driving and the song was on air. It was the first time I listened to every bit of the song then I instantly asked her, 

"Kenapa kita nak cari orang yang sama mcm orang yang pernah sakitkan kita dulu?"

Faham tak? I mean, the person had already broke you, torn you to pieces, left you to nothingness and you still want to find another person like that?

So my mum, kinda shook coz I asked the question, she answered something like this:

People are always like that. We don't really learn from our mistakes. Ibu told me that my aunt (her elder sister) got divorced from a man who cheated on her and she remarried, to another man who was like her ex-husband. She got cheated again of course. Masa dia nak kahwin baru tu, arwah nenek aku puas nasihat coz she knows perangai lelaki tu. But she didn't listen. Even as a teenager, she was always seemed to be attracted to "bad boys". Nobody knows why.

I didn't really understand what was the correlation but I think now I do. For example, when we break up with someone, we have this one expectation of what our next partner should be. And weird enough, we'd want that someone to be exactly like our exes, be it good or bad. Which is impossible, there is only one him/her in the world. I think because that we felt really happy when we were with them, so we want to re-live those memories with this new person. Aku rasa la.

Manusia memang aneh.

EH! x The Face Shop

Yesterday I went to this beauty workshop by EH! magazine in partnership with The Face Shop Malaysia at The KL Journal Hotel, Bukit Bintang. Patutnya pergi dengan Hasnur but she bailed on me last minute coz apparently when she said she can go, she forgot about her mum's birthday *rolling eyes*

Anyways...