Memories

Decided to restore my old posts in my old blog here for reminiscing purposes lol. So...no judging la eh haha. I was just 15 in 2009, all wempitz. Okbye.

Withdrawal

Pernah tak korang rasa useless nak mampus sampai rasa mcm taknak jumpa orang coz meeting people makes you anxious.

Pernah tak?

Aku masih ada lagi rasa that fresh grads dilemma. Yg kau taktau nak buat apa lepas study, sama ada sambung study lagi ataupun kerja. That dilemma. Orang lain dilema kejap je terus boleh decide then go on with that decision. Tapi aku, setahun dilema.

Aku ingatkan aku boleh buat. I mean, pursuing this masters thingy. Tapi sekarang aku baru perasan aku sebenarnya bodoh hmm. Level aku takat degree je. I can't go any further. Dah la bodoh, ada masalah dalaman pulak. Malas nak cerita that part. I just really can't do this.

I've asked for opinions from some of my friends. Aku tanya diorang, "kau rasa aku boleh buat tak?". Most of them were very encouraging. Aku sumpah terharu. Kept on pushing me, telling me that I'm a "genius" (celah mana genius pun taktau la, paling hebat pun setakat dapat pelajar terbaik batch darjah dua je haha).

And seeing my other group of friends, ugh. I know we have our own timelines but I can't help but to think and compare my life to theirs. Idk if they have their own problems but if they do, they are good at hiding them that's for sure. I've been avoiding them lately, aku mesti akan rasa nervous af and you know, rasa mcm loser. My life is shit and the last thing I want is to feel more shitty than ever.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them. Honest. It's great to see that they've settled down, got married and have stable jobs and things like that. Masalahnya aku je.

I've cried so many times, pening kepala la, susah nak tidur la, terjaga tengah malam for no reason la. I hate this.

Aku dah pernah luah kat orang yg aku ingatkan aku boleh depend la. But I didn't get anything back. It's frustrating that people don't understand but I don't blame anyone. Aku pun susah nak faham diri sendiri kadang tu. Mcm sekarang la.

So aku pilih untuk simpan sendiri je. When no one is watching, aku breakdown la. Menangis. Tp sekarang aku rasa nak menulis. Nak lepaskan rasa yg terbuku kat dada ni. Hopefully lega la sikit nanti.

Tolong la kalau ada yg baca ni, tolong doakan aku. Aku taktau la korang faham ke tak entry aku yg panjang ni tp tolong la doakan aku tenang, doakan aku boleh buat keputusan yg betul. Thank you.

(Review) Chanel Blue Serum

Honest thoughts about putting RM400 worth of stuff on my face.

Someone Like You

The song came out in 2011. I was 17 at that time, still in school, SPM was literally the only thing on my mind lol poyo.

I've heard this song a few times but I didn't listen to the lyrics that much. It was only one day, I was on my way back home from school for balik bermalam for the weekend (I was a boarding school student). I was in the car, my mum was driving and the song was on air. It was the first time I listened to every bit of the song then I instantly asked her, 

"Kenapa kita nak cari orang yang sama mcm orang yang pernah sakitkan kita dulu?"

Faham tak? I mean, the person had already broke you, torn you to pieces, left you to nothingness and you still want to find another person like that?

So my mum, kinda shook coz I asked the question, she answered something like this:

People are always like that. We don't really learn from our mistakes. Ibu told me that my aunt (her elder sister) got divorced from a man who cheated on her and she remarried, to another man who was like her ex-husband. She got cheated again of course. Masa dia nak kahwin baru tu, arwah nenek aku puas nasihat coz she knows perangai lelaki tu. But she didn't listen. Even as a teenager, she was always seemed to be attracted to "bad boys". Nobody knows why.

I didn't really understand what was the correlation but I think now I do. For example, when we break up with someone, we have this one expectation of what our next partner should be. And weird enough, we'd want that someone to be exactly like our exes, be it good or bad. Which is impossible, there is only one him/her in the world. I think because that we felt really happy when we were with them, so we want to re-live those memories with this new person. Aku rasa la.

Manusia memang aneh.

EH! x The Face Shop

Yesterday I went to this beauty workshop by EH! magazine in partnership with The Face Shop Malaysia at The KL Journal Hotel, Bukit Bintang. Patutnya pergi dengan Hasnur but she bailed on me last minute coz apparently when she said she can go, she forgot about her mum's birthday *rolling eyes*

Anyways...

Lazy Beauty Bloggers

Last weekend I was searching for reviews on a particular Hada Labo product and I was kinda disappointed I guess? The item was on 50% discount on Shopee and since I haven't tried any Hada Labo products before, I thought I'd give it a try la. But before buying, I wanted to see la if the product works or not. I wanted to read some reviews.

Accidents (Part 2)

However last Saturday, aku dgn Syarina plan nak pergi openhouse member sekolah dulu kat Salak Tinggi. Aku bersiap cantik la dgn baju kurung and makeup bagai. Nak pergi rumah Syarina dulu. Tp kat exit Putrajaya, aku skidded sampai kereta berpusing sikit lagi nak langgar divider. Masa tu hujan renyai2. Biasa la kat exit mmg ada selekoh kan. I admit, aku agak laju. Tp laju mcm biasa kalau aku kat selekoh la. Aku mmg dah biasa lalu jalan selekoh, Jelebu is full of em. Tp ye la, still lagi laju. Masa berpusing tu aku dah cuak nak mampus mmg aku fikir habis la aku, mmg langgar divider la aku mcm ni. Kalau tak mati pun mesti tersepit. Tekan brake tak makan, jalan licin. Aku control stereng je la. Berpusing-pusing stereng tu aku bawak mcm drive bumper car la aku rasa.

When I finally stopped, I was heading the other way. Aku dah menghadap belakang. Syukur Alhamdulillah, all the while I was swaying and turning, takde satu pun kereta kat belakang aku. Memang Allah nak jaga aku lagi. Aku terus on enjin, terkial-kial jugak la sbb dah menggeletar. Lepas aku reverse, baru la ada kereta lalu. Kereta tu hon aku. Aku on hazard light, in case ada kereta lain. Aku masuk gear, jalan, off hazard light. In my mind while I continue my journey to Syarina’s, I was like, okay…that just happened…and I didn’t get hurt…not a single scratch on the car too…belum ajal aku lagi…memang Allah je the only savior aku time tu…I was literally shaking.

Sampai rumah Syarina, we got on her car and she drove. Aku cerita la kat dia what just happened. But her response wasn’t actually what I had expected so my panic just faded like that haha.

Then, we were at a selekoh and HER CAR SKIDDED JUGAK. Aku dah rasa nak terberak kat situ. Two skids in one day. Weh that is too much. Tp tak seteruk aku la coz she wasn’t that fast. Which was weird la sbb dia tak laju pun, how come dia boleh tergelincir jugak at the corner? Then she said about the road is berminyak. Means that orang tuang minyak atas jalan. Nak aniaya la ni. She said that benda2 mcm ni common kat Putrajaya. Orang tabur paku la. Nak untung punya pasal. Bengkel banyak kat area luar Putrajaya. And Putrajaya people is kaya so…you get the picture now. She said that her mom banyak dapat whatsapp about these sabotage cases. So these things are actually real. I was like wtf what if people die from the accident?? Kalau kereta remuk boleh repair, nyawa kau nak repair macam mana?? Mengamuk kejap dalam kereta.

Pastu kitorang bertenang, tau2 je dah sampai openhouse. Makan2, took pics then balik. Hidup kembali normal macam takde apa berlaku. Begitulah kisah accidents aku selama ni sampai setakat 9 Syawal haritu. Thank you for reading, kalau ada la yg membaca haha (ayat typical).

Accidents (Part 1)

I drive a Kelisa. It was my cousin’s car actually tp aku dah drive kereta ni since 2014, time second year lagi. Sangat convenient sbb time tu aku involve dgn SUKSIS, so senang aku nak gerak memana pergi latihan ke apa without menyusahkan housemates aku yang lain. Kereta ni best, tak banyak masalah. Except for that one time kereta aku tetibe mati tengah jalan sbb bateri problem (and it wasn’t me who drove the car at that time, Fatin Aina and Alya did lol kesian diorang haha).

Tapi akhir tahun last year, aku langgar lembu. Yes, lembu. My first accident was with a freaking cow.

Begin Again

Assalamualaikum.

Decided to create a new blog coz I think the old one is too lame to be "revived" lol. Ye la, blog tu since aku 15 kot. And now I'm 24. I've changed a lot in those years (including my physical appearance hmm). Lagipun tengah boring takde buat apa sangat so I thought hey apa kata aku buat blog baru??

Tipu je, aku ada banyak kerja but this fat girl is one hell of a procrastinator.

Anyways I like to write stuff, that's why I still want to keep blogging. I'm keeping my old blog so I can reread my entries whenever I'm feeling nostalgic. Selalu jugak la feeling macam tu haha. So harapnya dengan blog baru ni, ada la benda yg aku boleh tulis. Not just some rants and sendu je. Like, a blog with real content. 

Tapi tu la masalahnya. Taktau nak tulis apa. I like beauty and skincare but I feel dah banyak sangat beauty bloggers out there. I'd like to write about my current project kat UPM ni tapi aku rasa tak ramai yang berminat. Susah nak faham lagipun. Maybe I'll just write just about everything then? Lol sama je la nanti macam blog lama haha. 

We'll just see how it goes, I guess.

2k18

I'm a very awkward person. I don’t really know how exactly to socialize, especially around new people. Meeting new people scares me. I get all these weird thoughts you know like “orang ni tak suka aku ke” or “kenapa dia ni tengok aku semacam” padahal the person was being absolutely normal. I have always been like this since I was small. Nak pergi tadika je mesti muntah dulu sebab nervous sangat (yes people I puke when I get really nervous). Takut beb. Tadika cina, cikgu semua cina. The only malay I know there was my own sister, who was at that time, takde masalah nak bergaul dengan budak cina coz she can speak cina like orang cina la.

Masuk darjah 1, I got bullied. I was legit jongang so the other kids called me “gigi rabbit” coz my two front teeth were sticking out la basically. Teruk jugak la kena ejek. Had no friends. Malam je mesti aku nangis senyap2 sbb aku tension taknak pergi sekolah esoknya. Ada sorang anak cikgu ni memang setan gila la. Bekal aku dia balun padahal dia anak cikgu boleh je masuk kantin amik je la apa dia nak. Pastu siap ckp kat budak lain jangan kawan aku la apa. Tah kenapa sumpah takleh brain do. Tp time tu kecik kan. Mana faham. Yg aku tau, anak cikgu jangan buat main sebab…mak dia cikgu kot. Tu je sebab dia, tak perlu ada sebab lain. Darjah 1 je la yg teruk bagi aku. Lepas2 tu aku mcm ok la sikit sbb perform akademik, every year tak pernah miss naik pentas amik award. Tp still lagi la kena ejek tu sekali sekala.

Time form 1, sbb masuk sekolah asrama and nobody knew me, aku mcm ubah attitude. I had my guard up sbb aku taknak kena ejek kena pijak mcm dulu kat sekolah rendah. So jadinya aku nampak mcm someone yg susah orang nak approach. Dah kena label sombong. Padahal aku diam tak bercakap dgn orang lain tu sbb aku takut haha. Tp at least I didn’t get hurt from being called ‘sombong’. Tapi tu pun time form 2 ada senior ni panggil aku bugs bunny. I was in a debate competition and he was one of adjudicators. Masa dia bagi komen tu he said “you remind me of bugs bunny but in a good way”. I mean excuse me? Anyway perangai ni aku bawak sampai ke masuk u. I got compliments like “dulu aku ingat kau sombong” a lot lol. Member aku lelaki. Dia ckp budak lelaki yg lain takut nak ckp dgn aku sbb aku ada resting bitch face. Tp tbh, I was more scared of them. And other people. I’m even more scared of strangers. Well, you can say that looking kinda sombong is my own way of protecting myself kot. I didn’t want to get hurt so I thought the best way of not getting hurt is to look unapproachable. Nampak tak logic aku :/

Tp hakikatnya, aku masih lagi awkward nak bercakap dgn orang. I have friends, but not many. I prefer to keep my circle small. Aku ni reserved la orangnya. And very scared of people. That’s just the way I am. I know it’s not good, aku pun dah lama tak kena ejek. Last pun time form 2 tu la. Tp kesan kena ejek tu sampai sekarang aku takut dengan orang. Bullying ain’t cool guys. Tetibe.

But you still refuse to understand me even after I told you my story. Hmm.